I’m beginning to wonder if there is something that happens within someone’s heart and soul when your lover turns out not to be your lover at all. It’s a dream that just never made its way to fruition. I cower in fear when the word love is brought up. My hands begin to shake. I can have sex, kiss whoever whenever but the moment I feel it may be possible to fall in love I shut it down. Maybe it was easier with him for the moment I felt I could love him he ruined it with carelessness. We have passion but it does not play outside of the bedroom and even at dinner I never know what to say. I felt that something was happening that day in the park before my things were stolen and I don’t doubt that it was but I have this habit of disregarding people when they treat me with little respect when I am in need. I can’t seem to bring myself to tell him how much he hurt me that day. I’ve become used to all these men throwing themselves at me, when my job is to stand in front of a camera and have my picture taken men will claw their way to you as if their lives depend on it. Arm candy, I suppose. I need some sort of release from all of this. With someone I do love I need to be drunk to kiss him, even though he seems to understand this especially when he tells me I run from him – which isn’t a lie. I cannot afford to be in love. There is too much of this in my life, and no real time to figure it all out. It is always this time of the month that drives me to the brink.
Although the pressure of this industry I’ve gotten myself involved in has its own madness for me. In the front of my mine I keep repeating “let this agency sign me”. All these romantic entanglements are just adding more stress where it is unneeded. Maybe I will begin writing here again for some kind of release.